MIKE DOMITRZ, a leading expert in healthy dating, consent, bystander intervention and sexual assault awareness, brought his Date Safe Project to the University of Waterloo on October 6, 2015, hosted by the Equity Office. The following is an excerpt from his presentation, “Can I Kiss You?”
“We all knew consent when we were five years old. We did. You were at a friend’s house and you wanted to play with a toy. Your parents said you had to do what? You had to ask. And how did you have to ask? Very nicely.
“And you learn this all growing up. And then you got your licence to drive and you want to take the car out for the first time. What did you know you had to do? Ask. And some of you were nicer to your parents on that day than you had been in years.
“Because you understood that you ask and you ask nicely. That was just common sense. But suddenly, people say you need to ask first for sexual intimacy and everybody goes, ‘How dare you say I need to do that? Yes, I’ll ask before I play with a toy, but not before I touch another person’s body or engage in sexual activity. That’s going too far.’ …
“Here’s the real reason we don’t ask. It is, we’ve never been taught how. We’re given no verbal skill set for sexual intimacy. That’s the problem. Right?
“Typically, when people grow up, they’ll learn one of two things, or a combination of these two things. One is called abstinence — what not to do. Another thing that’s called, what not to get. And that’s typically around condom conversation. …
“Here’s the problem. They’re both important lessons. But if I only teach you what not to do or what not to get, you’re never learning what to do.
“And when you don’t know what to do, you either guess, or you listen to bad resources — really bad resources, as in, your friends — who will give you some of the worst advice imaginable when it comes to sexual intimacy. …
“Now some of you are going, wait a second, Mike. If I just go for it, they have a choice. They have a choice of whether to stop me or not. That’s not called a choice. That’s called self-defence. …
“How do you normally give someone a choice in life? You simply ask a question.
“If you can’t ask the question, what do we know? You’re not ready. You can’t even talk to the person about what you want to do with them, or their body, or your body? That means there is a major red flag going on here. Something is wrong. Something is missing. …
“You gotta ask. All right? If they’re really comfortable with what’s going to happen, they’re going to be comfortable saying what they want. If they’re not comfortable, it’s going to become very apparent, which is good to know.”
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