The following anonymous stories were written by University of Waterloo students describing their experiences with mental health disorders and stigma. Some of these stories were on display in the gallery exhibition. They helped raise awareness for mental health and to show people, who may have similar stories, that they are not alone. While those stories were being shown in the gallery we invited people to submit their own experiences and those submissions are also present in the below selection.
Story #1
I get very anxious and being at a university it’s already stressful enough. I would get really stressed whenever I was writing a test and I would always feel horrible after because I know I studied and I know I really try. What helped me was going to Accessibility Services and now I write my midterms and exams there. I feel comfortable being in and environment that feels calm to me, instead of being in a room filled with stress because of a test.
Story #2
I was scheduled to have a meeting with my advisor in Accessibility Services. While I was waiting a prof came in, with an envelope in his hand, and he looked pissed. He said to the secretary he had received an email about one of his students being in Accessibility Services and so he came in to deliver the midterm that his students were going to write in an hour. He complained that he should have received the information about the student in advance, instead of finding out the day of the midterm. The secretary asked him if the student gave him any paperwork that would have informed him if the student needed to write in a different building, the prof said no, he just received an email that the student was with Accessibility Services. The secretary explained to the prof that just because a student is with Accessibility Services does not mean they always need to write with them, it is just an option if the student needs it. His student is probably comfortable to write a test in the classroom. It seemed to me that the prof’s assumption that all students with Accessibility Services were unable to write a test in class, his assumptions that all students with disabilities had the same needs was surprising. I guess even profs learn something every day.
Story #3
I am a student with Accessibility Services and being in my third year, I have gotten used to introducing myself to my new professors and explaining to them what helps me to do well. (Not much, I usually ask for a note taker and just a little extra time on midterms and exams). Most of the professors I go to are understanding, however, one time I approached a professor, with the information sheet ready in my hands, and he just looked at me and then pointed his finger to the door. I ended up going to my advisor at Accessibility Services and she went and talked to the professor and she got my sheet signed. I am happy to say that I did very well in that class.
Story #4
I am very careful about which teachers I share my disability with. I usually wait a while to see what they are like and to see if I can tell how they will react. One day I was just going to ask the teacher a simple question about the homework and she looked at me like I just told her I had cancer. She told me to just let her know if it was too much. I don’t remember ever telling this teacher anything about me and it was just the second week of school. Later I found out that she had received a letter about me being with Accessibility Services which did not specify the disability I have. During the term I realized she spent more time with the other students and giving them more feedback than she gave me. I would go to her office hours and ask if there was anything I could improve on and she would always say, “nope your good”. I asked my other classmates if they noticed anything and many of them did see that I was being treated differently. I remember the one time she did spend time with me and I felt that I was actually learning something. In a strange way I felt robbed and I never took a class with that teacher again. It hurt me a little thinking, “If only she never knew about my disability.”
Story #5
When I used to live at home, my parents would always be reminding me to get my work done. Now I’m in Waterloo with a few roommates. I admit the first year was an ugly, stressful wake-up call and I had a hard time trying to get and stay on top of things. Eventually I made some friends that are actually good at organizing, they became my roommates and now we get together on campus and at each other’s apartments and just do homework together. I found that I had an easier time getting work done when that was what everyone else was doing. If none of my friends are available, I try to go to the library, people are always working there.
Story #6
When I came to university, I was far from home and knew no one. I missed my friends and boyfriend terribly, so I went to Counselling Services to talk about my homesickness. My counselor was very kind and helpful, and reminded me of when I would see my guidance counselor in high school. Through that year, I felt more at home because I joined a club and switched programs into an area that more so interested me. I also had to deal with test anxiety so eventually I was referred to the Accessible Learning Office, and got to take my exams there.
Story #7
One of the biggest things I found difficult about my transition to university was uncertainty about living in residence. In particular, I worried: would I be able to sleep in a different bed? Would it be problematic if my roommates/suite-mates and I had different sleep/wake cycles? Would people partying in residence keep me up at night? Would I fall off the edge of the bed at night? (beds in rez are twin-sized beds, while I had always slept on a queen by myself as a child) Would I be able to find my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night if I needed to go?
I was fortunate enough to be invited to Stage 2 of the Canadian Computing Competition in 12th Grade, which involved spending (roughly) a week staying overnight at REV (which is converted into a “Conference Center” during the spring term). Getting to sleep in an actual rez bed in an actual rez building for a few days helped me prepare by letting me know what things mattered (bring a pillow and lots of sheets/blankets) and what things didn’t. (I would acclimatize to falling asleep just fine even though the bed wasn’t as comfortable.) At the time Student Life 101 was run like an open house — my understanding is that in the intervening years, it has been converted into an overnight camp style program. It’s been a long time since my transition to university (I’m in 4B now)
Story #8
I found the greatest challenge I experienced coming to university was worrying about the future. I came to school with one particular career in mind, and slowly I began wondering if I was on the right path. I was confused and concerned about whether I would have high enough grades, and could handle the work load.
Learning to view the university experience as a marathon instead of a sprint helped. Instead of trying to get everything done all at once. I try to complete things in stages. I’m learning that whether in lecture, or out in the world, education and learning go on all throughout life. There are a number of resources on campus that can make the university transition easier and speaking to a counselor in counseling service has helped me make sense of things.
SUBMISSIONS FROM AUDIENCE MEMBERS AFTER VIEWING THE INSTALLATION AND SHOW
1) I was falling behind in class after the winter break. I couldn’t get my reading done, I couldn’t focus. I wrote a test a couple weeks ago and bugged up an entire set of questions. I went to my professor to beg to redo them but I choked. How was I supposed to say: This isn’t me; I DO want to be here; I just can’t bring myself to do anything; waking up is a battle; I cry before I leave the house; I cry before bed; I go to bed but I can never sleep; I love learning but school is choking me; I don’t want to work, I’m tired, I’m weak and I need a real vacation: from debt, from work, from tests, from reading responses and weekly assignments…..? I still don’t know how to say these things but I have started to fix my work habits a little
2) I spend so much time commuting to school, at school, and at work that I barely have enough time to eat or see my family/friends. The only time I see my family is when one of my parents is picking me up from the train station after work and it’s all of a 15 minute car ride before we’re home and it’s late and time to sleep. I barely have enough time to eat, sleep, let alone socialize. Unless I know that there is something happening, a month in advance, I can’t get the time off work. I rarely see my friends, and I can’t find time to date because I work Friday/Saturday nights and all of my other free time is spent trying to keep up with school work. I have a history of mental illness including anxiety, depression and eating disorders. I find myself putting so much pressure on everything I do so that I can achieve my career, education and financial goals, that all of my relationships are put on the back burner.
3) Last year, I moved away from home to go to my first year of university. From the moment I walked into my first lecture hall I felt an immediate disconnect from everyone in my class. The thought that I had to sit in a theatre full of students, but act like I was in the 20-30 student classrooms I had been in all my life made me feel anxious, and I immediately wanted to put a shell over myself and hide away. I also struggled to make any real friends, so I felt depressed due to my loneliness. I had a tight group of friends in high school, but in my first year of university I had nothing. I even got to the point where I felt scared if anyone tried to talk to me. A stranger could ask me for directions, and I would have had a hard time talking to them because I felt so disconnected from everybody and everything that I had become anti-social, which isn’t like me. I also could not meet due dates for assignments, and even failed a couple classes because I could not mentally apply myself, and found it hard to find motivation to care about anything school related. I transferred universities at the end of the year, and am much happier where I am now, but that year was the most mentally ill I’ve ever felt.
4) Living in residence in first year was one of the most trying experiences of my life. We, as students, were not only new to the school, but new to the idea of living alone while sharing space with a whole new population of peers. I was not a “partier” per say, and appreciated that I did have a single room. But that isolation from the people I would soon befriend for years to come didn’t help when I became stressed or overwhelmed. I had gone from being a 90′s student, to barely scraping by with 60s and was ashamed of how badly I was doing. I was struggling with making friends, maintaining a social life and attending classes. I was constantly sick and worried about failing and having to drop out and not be able to pursue my dreams. This was a fear that a lot of us had, but never talked about until later years. It was a fear that was debilitating and made our experience in first year (mine at least) one that was extremely hard. Looking back, I wish I had taken advantage of the services offered to students. I wish that I had pushed myself to seek help more often, as opposed to shutting down and ignoring the issues. I could have had such a different experience if I was just open about the problems I was having. It was not until I reached the end of 2nd year, that I realized that involvement in school activities was the element that was missing. I joined a student group that worked with new students to help transition them to life in university and loved every minute of it. My grades improved, I made friends and became more social. It is a constant uphill battle when dealing with anxiety and with the struggles that come with being a student, but I am now surrounded by people who not only understand, but have been through it themselves. Helping others and working with students like yourself helps. The world is a big place and there is a lot to be discovered. Sometimes it just takes a little time to find that.
5) It can sometimes be overwhelming balancing school work with other commitments in our student life. I’ve been very driven to get the best marks to apply to grad school, but in the pursuit of this I get very anxious about studying and getting the marks I want that I miss out on other opportunities. It would be amazing if our school wasn’t organized in such an impersonal manor where it seems like professors don’t care what is going on in our lives, just get the papers in so they can mark it. Smaller classrooms for all programs would allow more understanding and rapport among profs and students. With more rapport with out profs we would be morel likely to seem like a human who needs some flexibility.
6) just this term I learned that my anxiety has been a constant source of my procrastination. Likewise it has also come to my attention that I’ve had anxiety for quite some time. last year I had to differ all of my exams in one turn because my anxiety has gotten to the point where I couldn’t function properly and I couldn’t study at all for my exams luckily differing those exams and consequently doing them later give me a long time to get my stuff in order so I could do my best to succeed. It also helped that I had a counselor to talk it through with and the accessibility office to help administer my exams with extra time. It really made a huge difference and was imperative to my success that term.
7) I went in to university top of my class in high school, and withdrew immediately after failing all my major classes in my first term. I, in the perfect vision of hindsight can blame it on not being prepared for the commitment, however, the pace of the classes was definitely what dragged me down most. I’d miss the deadline for one assignment and then just decide to spend my time on the internet instead of working on the next one, which just caused a spiraling withdrawal into myself and a build up of the depressive feelings of failure that always hung over my head. I’ve been out of school for over a year and I still have panic attacks thinking about having to do literally anything outside of the tiny comfort zone I’ve built for myself.
8) I’m currently experiencing some cognitive dissonance in regards to my school and home life. To explain, the woman of my life — my mother — has been going through some tough time with her health. I feel an overwhelming need to be with her during this time, but she will not allow me to. She says my schooling should be my greatest concern. To keep the dissonance low, I periodically send her OSAP money to keep her comfortable, as she’s stopped working due to her condition. I tell her the money is from coop but… yeah. These percentages on this thing we call a transcript is becoming less and less relevant.
9) I remember by the time I was 12 I was experiencing uncontrollable thoughts of suicide, 12 years old? I remember feeling disgusted with myself for having these feelings. I could never stop; I was so scared to go to school. By the time I planned on hanging myself I started hearing voices from out of nowhere. They told me to think of my mom and dad ad to remember that time always passes and I will survive. I still hear voices, but they only tell me kind things. I still have no idea what they are.
10) This is the first time I’ve ever told this story, because this is the first time I think it might matter to someone. I’ve held on to it so long because my cries for help were ignored. 10 years later, I can’t let go and I can’t get over it. It’s been so long now, it seems silly that this is still a part of me.
10 years ago – 2004 – I was 11 years old and in grade 6. I went to school with a girl (lets call her L). She had wispy blonde hair, dark blue eyes, a thin frame, a runny nose and bony fingers. L had a mental disability, but what exactly I don’t know. I didn’t want to ask – that part didn’t really matter to me.
The part that mattered is that L would skip class and hide in the women’s washroom – or that’s what she was doing the first time I met her. I had to go to the washroom – that one was the closest to my classroom – L was there. She forced me into a corner. She touched me. She ran her hands over my flat chest. I screamed. I punched her – She told me she liked that. I pushed past her and ran out of the washroom and ran back to class.
I whispered to my friend what had happened and she interrupted saying, “shh that’s gross! Ew don’t tell me that.”
After class, I went to the principal’s office at recess. She told me they were aware of L’s tendencies and she would be put in detention.
L was in detention a lot (she was supposed to sit in the detention desk in front of the office – instead she would wonder the halls) she was in the halls a lot. I swear she would wait outside my class in case I left the room. She would always find me – washroom, water fountain, outside at recess. I would tell the principal every time. She would make a report of the incident and put L in detention. After 2 months and however many incident reports, the principal recommended that maybe I should stay in at recess. Later she told me to bring a friend with me to the washroom, and when that didn’t work – maybe I should bring two friends.
My mom taught grade 4 in the same school. Around that time (May 2004) I told my mom that I was being sexually abused and I was afraid “yes – the principal said you were having an issue. But we’re doing all we can, honey. It’s hard to punish L, because she has a mental condition.”
I said “then she should be put in a hospital! Or moved to a different school – a special school – where she can’t hurt anyone!”
“sweetie, she’s not dangerous, she’s not hurting anyone!”
“Mom! She’s touching me and I don’t like it. She doesn’t stop when I say ‘leave me alone,’ she follows me – she won’t leave me alone. Please move me to another school!”
My mom gave me a hug, wiped the tears off my face and said, “sweetie, we just have to love her and pray that she gets better. That’s what the Bible says. Besides, you have a month of school left here and then you’ll go to the French school and she’ll stay here. Just try to avoid her in the meantime.”
(And that was that. Thanks mom)
So for the next month I spent every recess hiding in washroom stalls –(legs tucked up so you couldn’t see my feet under the door) – because you can’t punish someone with a mental illness.
For half a year (L transferred to the school in the second semester) I was sexually abused and couldn’t do anything about it – because you can’t punish someone with a mental illness. For the next 10 years I would hold myself to silence because I believed my traumas to be insignificant. I believed that suffering my dignity was my only option – because you can’t punish someone with a mental illness.
11) I’ve suffered (on and off) from anorexia nervosa for the past 8 years – since I was 13 years old. I’ve been getting help, when my mom says I need it. But I don’t want help. “Help” makes me fat, I like the way I look when I’m “relapsing”.
What the doctors call my “lowest point,” was my greatest achievement so far on my weight loss quest. There was a period of time when I was 16 years old. I was 5’7 and I weighed 86 pounds. My parents took me to the hospital. My mom cried and held my hand in the car. And in triage. And in the doctor’s office. She and the doctor teamed up and made me promise to “take better care” of myself. Because “don’t I want to get better?”
Well, no. I don’t. I’m not sick. I don’t need to get better. You don’t get it. I don’t want to be fat. I do not eat – I never eat – without hating myself for it.