One of the most common things I hear from students is some version of the same idea:
"I just want to know what my options are."
Sometimes the conversation is about a grade. Sometimes it's about a policy, a decision, or a process that doesn't make sense. Sometimes it's about a situation that feels unfair, and a student is trying to figure out what, if anything, can be done about it.
What often surprises students is that the most helpful conversations don't always begin with an answer. They often begin with a question.
Over time, I've noticed that students who are able to navigate complex situations most effectively are not necessarily the ones who know the most about university policies or processes. More often, they are the ones who are able to step back, get curious, and ask questions that help them better understand what is happening. That's not always easy.
When something feels unfair, confusing, or frustrating, it's natural to start looking for solutions right away. But before we can decide what to do, it often helps to understand what we're dealing with. And that's where good questions come in.
Where We Usually Start
When students find themselves in a difficult situation, the first instinct is often to figure out what to do next. A grade was lower than expected. A request was denied. A decision didn't make sense. Something happened that feels unfair, confusing, or frustrating.
In those moments, most people aren't looking for a deeper understanding of the situation. They're looking for a way forward. They want to know whether anything can be done, who they should talk to, or what options might be available.
That's completely reasonable. In fact, those are often the conversations that bring students to the Ombuds Office in the first place.
What I've noticed, though, is that the first thing students want to know is not always the thing they need to know. A student may want to challenge a grade, when the more important issue is understanding how that grade was determined. Someone may be focused on whether a process was fair, without yet knowing how the process actually worked. Another student may be looking for a way to change an outcome before they have all the information that led to it. None of those starting points are wrong. They're simply where people begin.
The challenge is that when we are frustrated, disappointed, or uncertain, it's easy to move quickly toward action. We want to fix the problem before we've fully understood it. But understanding and solving are not always the same thing. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is slow down long enough to learn a little more about the situation we're facing. Because the first thing we ask is often just the doorway into a much larger conversation.
When We Think We Already Know
One of the challenges in difficult situations is that we rarely have the full picture. That isn't a criticism. It's simply the reality of being on one side of a decision, a process, or a conflict. We experience what happened from our perspective, with the information available to us at that moment.
When something feels confusing or frustrating, our brains naturally try to make sense of it. We connect the information we have, fill in the gaps, and develop an explanation for what happened. From there, it's easy to start building a story about why. Sometimes that story turns out to be accurate. Sometimes additional information changes how we see the situation entirely.
What I've learned from working with students is that our first impression of a situation is often just that: a first impression. It's a starting point, not necessarily the whole picture. I've seen students arrive convinced they knew exactly why something happened, only to discover there were factors they hadn't considered. I've also seen conversations confirm that their concerns were well founded. The goal isn't to prove that our initial understanding is wrong. It's to recognize that there may be more to learn.
That's where curiosity can be helpful.
Instead of focusing immediately on whether a decision was right or wrong, curiosity invites us to understand how it was made. Instead of concentrating on the outcome alone, it encourages us to learn more about the process, the context, and the information that contributed to it. Curiosity doesn't require agreement. It simply creates space to understand the situation more fully before deciding what comes next.
The Hardest Things to Say
Not every question is difficult because it is complicated. Sometimes a question is difficult because asking it feels uncomfortable.
Most students have experienced this at some point. There is something they want to ask, but they keep putting it off. Maybe they want clarification about a grade. Maybe they don't understand a decision. Maybe they need help, want to raise a concern, or simply want someone to explain what happened. The question itself is often straightforward. What makes it difficult is everything that comes with it.
There can be a worry about looking uninformed. A concern about creating conflict. A fear of being told "no." Sometimes there is a hesitation because the answer may not be the one we are hoping for. So we wait. We tell ourselves we'll ask after the next class, after we've had more time to think, or after we've gathered more information.
The longer we wait, the bigger the issue can start to feel. What began as a simple point of clarification may become a source of frustration. A misunderstanding grows. Something that might have been addressed early becomes a much more complicated conversation later.
One of the things I've noticed is that students often know exactly what they want to ask. The difficulty isn't identifying the question. It's finding the confidence to say it out loud.
The conversations we avoid are often the ones that have the greatest potential to change our understanding of a situation. They may provide clarity. They may uncover information we didn't have before. They may confirm a concern, challenge an assumption, or simply help us better understand what comes next.
While those conversations are rarely comfortable, they are often where understanding begins.
When Emotions Enter the Conversation
It is one thing to ask questions when the stakes feel low. It is another thing entirely when the answer might affect something we care deeply about.
University can be an emotional place. Grades, academic standing, scholarships, co-op opportunities, graduate school plans, and relationships with instructors can all feel closely connected to our goals, our sense of identity, and how we see our future. When something doesn't go the way we hoped, it is natural for emotions to enter the conversation.
The challenge is that emotions can narrow our focus. When we feel frustrated, we may become focused on proving that someone was wrong. When we feel disappointed, we may want to change an outcome as quickly as possible. When we feel hurt, we may focus on the impact a decision or interaction had on us. When we feel worried, we may jump ahead to the worst-case scenario before we fully understand what has happened.
These reactions are not unusual. They are part of being human.
What I've noticed, though, is that strong emotions can influence not only how we see a situation, but also what we want to know about it. A student who is upset about a grade may immediately focus on how to challenge it. Someone who feels a decision was unfair may focus on who is responsible. In those moments, it can be difficult to separate the outcome we are experiencing from the process that led to it.
This is not an argument for setting emotions aside. Emotions often tell us that something important is happening. They can highlight concerns, identify areas of uncertainty, and signal that a situation deserves our attention.
At the same time, emotions and understanding can exist together. Instead of moving immediately toward changing a decision, we may first try to understand how it was made. Instead of focusing only on the outcome, we may take time to learn more about the information, policies, or considerations that contributed to it.
Those conversations do not remove disappointment, frustration, hurt, or concern. What they often do is provide context. And when we better understand what we're dealing with, it becomes easier to decide what comes next.
What Changes When We Get Curious
The question that starts a conversation is not always the question that needs to be answered.
A student may arrive wanting to know whether they can file a grievance. Another may want to know whether a decision was fair. Someone else may be focused on understanding what happened, why it happened, or what options exist moving forward. Those are all understandable places to start.
But as a conversation unfolds and more information comes to light, the focus often shifts. A student who wants to know whether they can challenge a decision may become more interested in understanding how that decision was made. Someone focused on whether a process was fair may realize they first need to understand how the process worked. Another student who is looking for accountability may discover that what they really need is information about their options moving forward.
The original question is not necessarily wrong. It simply reflects what feels most important at that moment. What often creates movement is curiosity. Curiosity creates space for information that may not fit neatly with our initial understanding and encourages us to spend a little more time exploring a situation before deciding what it means.
Curiosity can also be surprisingly disarming, especially when emotions are involved. When we approach a situation with the goal of understanding, the conversation often changes. Attention shifts away from defending positions and toward learning more about what happened, what information was considered, and why different people may be experiencing the same situation differently. That shift can make difficult conversations feel less adversarial and create more room for productive dialogue.
That does not mean curiosity always changes the outcome. Sometimes a decision remains disappointing. Sometimes a policy still feels restrictive. Sometimes a concern about fairness remains a concern about fairness. What often changes is our understanding of the situation and our ability to make informed decisions about what happens next.
I've found that the most productive conversations are rarely the ones where someone immediately finds the answer they were looking for. More often, they are the ones where a person leaves with a clearer understanding of the situation than they had when they arrived.
Sometimes that happens because the question changes. Not because the original question was wrong, but because, through conversation, reflection, and a little curiosity, a different question emerged.
And quite often, that new question turns out to be the one that moves the conversation forward.
The Real Question
Most students don't find themselves in challenging situations because they're curious. They find themselves there because something happened, and they want to know what to do about it.
That's understandable.
When we're dealing with uncertainty, disappointment, conflict, or a decision we didn't expect, it's natural to focus on solutions. We want to know what our options are, whether anything can be done, and what our next step should be. Throughout this post, though, we've explored how understanding often comes before action. The questions we ask shape what we learn about a situation. They influence the information we gather, the assumptions we challenge, and the options we see available to us.
Sometimes the most important shift isn't moving from one answer to another. It's moving from certainty to curiosity. It's recognizing that the first question we ask is often a starting point, not the final destination. As we learn more, our understanding evolves, and the questions we need answered often evolve with it.
The goal isn't to ask the perfect question. It's to ask questions that help us better understand what we're dealing with. That understanding doesn't always change the outcome, but it can change how we respond to it. It can help us make more informed decisions, identify options we hadn't considered, and navigate uncertainty with greater confidence.
The better we understand a situation, the better equipped we are to move forward. And sometimes that's what a good question really gives us: not the answer we were expecting, but the understanding we need to decide what comes next.