Managing Family Dynamics During the Holidays

Wednesday, November 13, 2024
by Renate Donnovan
family around kitchen table filled with food

It's the holiday season

Between October and December, a large number of holidays from a variety of traditions take place. Holiday celebrations are a time of joy, tradition, and relaxation (hopefully). For post-secondary students, they offer a much-needed break from the stresses of studying.

Holidays often represent an opportunity to reconnect with family and friends and to enjoy a reprieve from cooking and laundry! However, the reality of the holidays often contrasts with the idealized portrayals in movies; while they can be joyous, they can also evoke excitement and anxiety, especially with respect to family relationships.

As Dr. Albers notes, “hometown anxiety isn’t a diagnosis, but it’s a useful term” (Cleveland Clinic, 2024).

We have changed and grown during our time away

Returning home for the holidays can stir up a wide range of emotions. After experiencing transformative periods—such as living independently for the first time, or starting a serious relationship—coming back home may feel like a significant transition. You might discover that reconnecting with old friends is more challenging than expected, and your family may still hold you to high school expectations (Clifton, 2020).

Relationships can be tricky during the holiday season, and this difficulty can be magnified after a period of growth. Family and friends may struggle to adjust to your new identity, sometimes treating you like a child (Trageser, 2023).

To help make your holiday homecoming smoother, consider the following tips:

1. Understand Your Emotions: Recognizing your feelings is the first step to managing them. While you can’t change others, you can identify what triggers your emotions (e.g., your family imposing a curfew when you’ve been free at university). Setting boundaries and practicing self-care can ease your return (Brodrick, 2021).

2. Manage Expectations: University students often have their own ideas about what the holidays should look like, which may differ from their families' expectations. This misalignment can lead to frustration and conflict. To navigate this, engage in open communication before the holidays, discussing what each party hopes for in order to find common ground (Brodrick, 2021).

3. Encourage Healthy Conversations: Fostering healthy dialogues with family can strengthen bonds and enhance communication. Focus on sharing gratitude and appreciation during the holiday season. You might enjoy looking through old photo albums or playing family games to create joyful memories.

4. Maintain Mental Health: Being around family can trigger stress and anxiety for some individuals. Make time for yourself, whether it’s finding a cozy spot in your room or taking a stroll outside. The holidays can also be a good time to discuss any changes in your physical or mental health with a doctor (Brodrick, 2021).

5. Balance Old and New Friends: Friendships from your hometown may shift and change while you’re at university. Some may remain strong while others might fade. Plan to catch up with local friends but don’t feel obligated to meet up with everyone. Schedule meetups that suit your preferences and energy levels—quality time matters more than a packed agenda (Brodrick, 2021).

6. What to do When Dynamics are Difficult: Sometimes, no matter what you do, family dynamics can just be challenging. If you know you have a challenging family, here are three strategies that can help:

  1. Think about what would make you proud of yourself after the fact. We can’t change or control how others react, but we can manage our own emotions and actions. When the holiday is over and you are looking back on events, who do you want to say you were? How do you want to have handled the situation? When you think about that, what actions and behaviours are most likely to lead to that outcome? Do your best to incorporate those actions into your family visit.
  2. Have a plan for taking care of yourself. Family events and holiday celebrations can be draining for some. How can you take care of yourself before the event to ensure you have the inner resources needed? What can you do during the event to take care of yourself? What do you need to do after the event to replenish?
  3. Have supports in place in advance. Have numbers to support-lines, agreements with friends to help each other, and/or counsellors appointments scheduled to help you process experiences and stay centered through the holiday time.

While the stress of returning home for the holidays may never fully dissipate, it’s ultimately about rekindling relationships and embracing your growth. If you find that the challenges of returning home during the holiday season are affecting your mental health, consider seeking professional help. Counselling services can offer support tailored to your specific situation.

Good luck with final exams, and happy holidays!

Resources and Supports

Holidays can be challenging for many people, but there is a selection of supports and resources you can access: